What Might Have Been (Part II)

(Read Part I here)


Monday Morning: I woke up to a new morning and went about rushing around in order to make the two hour trek to my 10:00 am appointment. I felt fine. I mean, besides being nervous of what the day's outcome would bring. Either way, I knew that I needed to trust in what God's answer would be that day and I knew if it was not the outcome I desired that I would have to muster up a whole lotta strength to get through this. Thankfully, Reed decided at the last minute to accompany me to my appointment. Before going out the door, I made one more bathroom stop. And there is was. I was spotting. I felt sick to my stomach. If I was not pregnant, this was not good. If I was pregnant, this was not good. I was caught in the middle. I told Reed and he remained hopeful and reminded me that we just needed to get to the appointment to find out the real answers. So we drove. I wasn't giving up hope yet. I just couldn't. Upon going in for my appointment, the nurse asked me the usual questions. Shortly, female Dr. K entered the room. She was sitting glancing over my lab results from Good Friday and then questioned what day of my cycle that was taken on. I told her and she looked at the numbers again. And then she grinned and almost giddy declared that 'well then it looks like you are pregnant'. I saw her smile, but I knew that I could not even will myself to break into that same smile, not yet.

She started making plans and throwing out numerous details. I'd get more blood drawn that day before I left in order to be sure that my hormonal levels were increasing over the last few days. I wouldn't have the results until tomorrow. I could do a urine pregnancy test there at the office and that would give us a better idea now too since the HCG should all be out of my body. I told her that I had been spotting this morning and didn't know what that meant. So off to the bathroom I went.

A bit later, Dr. K returned to the exam room minus the huge smile she had displayed earlier. It was accompanied by 'well, so the urine test was positive, but a weak positive so I'm not completely sure that you are pregnant but can't rule it out either'. That's when Reed spoke up. He knew that the only other time we had received a 'weak' positive was with our child we ended up miscarrying six years ago. It was a huge red flag and concern for him upon hearing it. I have known for months now that when I am finally pregnant one day, that I will undoubtedly need to have progesterone shots in order to maintain proper levels and get beyond the first trimester. Dr. K said that in order to be sure that if there was a baby that it was taken care of and given a chance to survive, I should get a progesterone shot that day. With a poke in my bottom and a promise for a phone call tomorrow with the lab results, I was on my way. No better than when I came, but no worse. The spotting seemed to have lightened and I was certain if it would just stop all together there would be a fighting chance that I would have received my hoped for miracle. This would be a long road, if there was one, filled with many blood draws and lab work, shots and checks. We could do this. We'd get through the coming weeks. If it came to that.

So, we drove home, me and my sore fanny with my dear husband. We made a few stops along the way, but eventually arrived home. I waited and prayed. I could hardly sit, that hurt. I could barely walk, I limped. I maintained an awkward position for the rest of the day in an attempt to alleviate the pain. This would all be worth it. The spotting had quit completely. All would be well again come tomorrow.

Tuesday: I spent the day feeling awful. Tired and weary. I walked through the day on edge and ornery, feeling like a zombie. The spotting had begun again, but only lightly. Surely I'd receive a call at any moment. We went about our day with no call. Before taking Lily to her late afternoon piano lesson, I called the clinic to inquire whether my results were in yet. They were busy and hadn't gotten to them yet. Of course not, I'd have to wait. Hours later, we returned from town with no message. No answer. Reed finally came home from work with a questioning look on his face, nope still nothing. Shortly after, the phone rang and it was Dr. K. Without words, I heard her tone and I knew what was coming. 'I'm sorry Sarah, your numbers dropped quite a bit. You are not pregnant. It doesn't seem to me that you ever were, so I don't think there's any chance that you may have miscarried early.' My heart fell to the floor and I held all of the emotion that swirled in my head. I only thought to blurt out that I didn't understand. I had been feeling awful. I didn't feel like myself. And then I was answered with a reminder on how much our psychological side can play a part in our physical. That perhaps the hopeful part about being pregnant had indeed led to my body behaving as it was and me believing that I had pregnancy symptoms.

After hanging up the phone, I think I felt my heart stop beating. I felt my world caving in around me. So dearly had I hoped. So strongly had I prayed. And then I leaned on my comforting husband and I wept. I went through such emotions of pain, sorrow, anger and confusion. Why did He pick me for this cross? I felt it stifling the very breath from me. That's the thing of it that can be so consuming: the what ifs; the what could have been; the unknown future; feeling of failure to yourself, your spouse, your family. The feeling that my body is broken and just won't work again.

It had been an emotional roller coaster in those five days and at that point I just wanted to get off. It was probably one of the toughest ones we have been on in the last four years. There were so many odds that seemed to have been defeated. So many things that could've made pregnancy possible. It should have, could have worked.

In the following days I took my time. I knew that in time, I'd feel like myself and my hopeful heart would mend. The words that kept passing in my thoughts were the words from the Thirteenth Station of the Cross:

'All you who pass by the way, see if there be any sorrow like my sorrow.
The tears are on her cheeks, and there is none to comfort her.'

I knew that I needed to wait patiently for all of the harsh feelings to settle. Like Christ's resurrection that I had anticipated, I needed to spend some time in the tomb before I could rise again.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot help but be hopeful. I cannot close a door, when their is still a glimmer of light shining through the small crack that it leaves open. I do know that adoption is an alternative. For us, we just aren't there yet. We are not in the place where we feel that we are being called to throw ourselves into that process. Maybe some day, but not yet. I also know that right now I can completely rely on my two Catholic physicians, who not only care for me physically but also spiritually and morally. I know that they are going to help me in every way possible to explore options and treatments for me that will help with conception and maintaining a healthy pregnancy.

In faith, I rest and rely on God's infinite goodness and His Divine Plan. I may see it completely different than He, but I try to remain patient as I wait humbly for everything to unfold. For today, I have the strength to do that. But it's hard to say what tomorrow will bring.

What Might Have Been (Part I)

In response to this post, I've decided to give you a somewhat brief 'a day in the life of' version of what led me to that place. I write in all honesty, with the brief glimpse of what really goes on behind the picket fence that surrounds my corner of the world. It is not written for pity or out of my own selfish reason to share this information. I want to share in order to give insight to those of you who may not have had to journey the infertility/subfertilty road. I try to refrain from sharing about this topic too often here, but try to give you occasional updates along the way. I hope you understand. Read on only if you want the details.

I have to rewind just a little bit to get started. I did not share with you here that in the first week of Lent I visited my female Dr. K in a consult visit. It was there decided that since nothing has been working or has helped me reach the ultimate end goal, there may be a good reason to look into a diagnosis of endometriosis. That would be best confirmed through a laproscopy. It was also concluded that a referral to Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha would be beneficial for me. My Creighton charting and my medical history over these last few years would be evaluated by Dr. Hilgers and he will hopefully be able to give more insight to a better diagnosis, with probable consideration given to me visiting PPVI for further treatment.

With that, Dr. K decided that while we wait on that whole process it would be fine for me to give Clomid another try, along with my HCG shots I receive four times during the later half of my cycle. At the end of that cycle, around 16 days after probable ovulation, I would get labs done to have my hormonal levels checked if there is positive pregnancy. With that information, we counted out the days and weeks ahead and made a decision that the timing of all of this would lead right up to Easter. And so I began a different type of lenten journey, praying and hoping that with the coming Resurrection I would receive my own Easter miracle.

Fast forward to Holy Week.

Good Friday: I went in to have my blood drawn for my post-ovulation labs. The numbers I received would indicate whether I had a positive pregnancy test. I became a little excited that I had even reached this day, since normally a new cycle would have begun and I would know the testing was negative and I would not have even had to have the labs done in general. I had made it! The possibilities only seemed to get better, if I could just make it a few more days.

We attended Good Friday service in the afternoon and after arriving back home I later received a phone call from my local care physician, male Dr. K. He asked whether my cycle had started yet and then jumped into 'because it looks like you're pregnant'. For a brief instant I had no idea what to do, but then I asked if he was sure because I've been getting the HCG shots and those would make my numbers elevated if there was any left in my system (this is also another reason I cannot take home pregnancy tests-they would give me a false positive due to the HCG shots). He then faltered a little and admitted that he couldn't be completely sure since I'm his first patient receiving the shots and he didn't know exactly what the numbers would look like with HCG thrown in there. He was encouraging though and said to wait it out over the weekend and hopefully nothing would happen and it would lead to a true pregnancy outcome.

I couldn't imagine getting through the weekend without bursting or without becoming too hopeful. I also lived in fear each time I went to the bathroom, afraid to even know whether a new cycle was starting. I wanted to hope so bad. I wanted an Easter miracle.

Holy Saturday: No signs of a new cycle. I had made it through the night. I kept myself busy, but in all of that I couldn't help thinking. I couldn't help praying that I just may be carrying a new child. Oh the possibilities! Oh the happiness it would bring! My heart could not help but be at least slightly optimistic and making plans for the future. I made it through the day.

Easter: Another night passed and I had made it to Easter morning. With the light of a new day, Easter day, all things seemed possible. I must be pregnant. I felt awful. I awoke early in the morning not feeling well. My sleep had been irregular for over a week. We went to Mass that morning and I didn't know if I would make it through. I was having heat waves, nausea and weak feelings. This had to mean something. We celebrated the day with family and I moved through the day keeping busy. I had almost made it through the weekend and tomorrow I had a scheduled appointment with my female Dr. K, two hours away. This was good. All would be revealed tomorrow. My heart began to drift millions of miles away in the distant future...baby's due date, baby names, who I would tell the news, how I would tell the news, how we would tell our children. All seemed hopeful.


To Be Continued tomorrow....

When You've Got It, You've Got it....And When You Don't, You Just Don't

And right now, I just ain't got it.

It's been a tough week on the inside and when/if I'm ready to deal with that publicly and on the outside, you'll be one of the first to know.

But until then, your prayers are appreciated.

I know, what a cliff-hanger, huh?

At The Cross

While it's not uncommon for lyrics from songs to resound in my head long after the iPod is turned off, I pay attention to why particular lyrics linger for awhile.

And most often, their meaning is revealed in a short amount of time. Christian music echoes in my mind quite often and it rests in my heart to serve as another faithful reminder in God's loving grace and mercy when I need those little nudges.

On my mind prior to Lent was just a line or two from a song that is shuffled about on my iPod during my Wii workout. And it's that song that has become my meditation, my theme, for this Lenten season. Drawn to it with tear-filled eyes and a heart ready for abandonment to Christ's greater plan, that in His time will be revealed.

'To the cross I cling,
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous your redeeming love and
How great is your faithfulness'


(Taken from 'Sweetly Broken' by Jeremy Riddle)


I recently shared with a friend something I heard at a Women's Conference a couple of years ago, regarding our Cross that God gives to us. The speaker shared that sometimes taking up her cross was a lot to handle. More than she could bear. Something she struggled with carrying day in and day out. She then mentioned that although she never completely sets that cross down, sometimes she just needs to lean on it for a bit. Isn't that an interesting way to envision it?

Although some crosses and adversities that God is asking for me to carry and bear seem to be too much for me, I still embrace them and carry them on my journey. Not always willingly or with a contented heart, I'll admit. I am not resigned to my infertility cross. I still despise it and I'll admit that truthfully. I'll also admit that I've leaned on it an awful lot. But I think during this Lenten season I'm being asked to pick it up and carry it again for a bit and we'll see what comes of it by Easter. Perhaps carrying it won't be as difficult as it has been in the past.

Just wait and see. I hope to prayerfully be beckoned to this particular cross of mine, that I may gently be drawn to my knees. Pray with me, won't you?

Hi-Lo: February 5th

(Brought to you by Martin Family Moments)


HI's:

1. On Saturday, I was renewed along with over 100 other ladies at a Women's Conference. It left me with some things to ponder on this week.

2. Jonah successfully counted to 100 this week!! He needed a little bit of help on the 10's occasionally, but it's a HUGE deal for this boy to even sit and make the effort. Trust me, he's gotten A LOT of praise for his latest accomplishment!

3. I received a call yesterday from the woman who will administer Lily's Peabody Assessment Testing. Someone rescheduled, so she can fit Miss Lily in this Saturday. This is great since the testing is done in a city an hour away and we just happen to be going there Saturday any way. A combined trip! Hooray!

4. I met someone who I think I may have more in common with than I thought. And, I think that we just might become good friends. It happens to be my male Dr. K's wife and she just so happens to be my new instructor...in Creighton Model! Although I have been rebelling at the thought of further NFP instruction in order to hopefully benefit from it in our infertility diagnosis, I finally took the leap. I think I'm glad I did.

5. The kids and I took a long walk through the swamp and woods behind our house yesterday. The weather was kind of icky/hazy/misty, but temps. were in the twenties. Not too bad to head out for an adventure. Only thing missing was Daddy.


LO's:

1. The pizza/birthday party for Lily's two little friends had to be rescheduled. Unfortunately, both girls came down with the flu overnight. Lily and I were bummed, but it gives us something to look forward to again.

2. This is Reed's busy time at work. Although he is grateful (as am I) that he has a steady job, this time of year also poses many deadlines with extra work and added stress. As much as he tries to keep work at his work place, he's only human.



How was your week? What were the Highs you celebrated and the Lows you embraced?

Have a great weekend!

Laughter!

Several things came upon my path yesterday and in the recent week that I couldn't help but notice.

Although these weren't any huge 'light bulb moments' or heavenly enlightenment followed by choirs of angels, they were enough for me to string together as little pearls of hope. Reminders that God is up to something very good and (hopefully) very soon it will be revealed.

Last week, Elizabeth shared of a friend who recently stated on facebook that she was "laughing as Sarah laughed today" and Elizabeth made the quick connection that this friend was expecting. She found out later that, Colleen was indeed pregnant.

This struck me and has stayed with me since then. The laughter of Sarah. And for a number of reasons I can relate. The name, the barren womb, you know, all of those things. So I have pondered the story of Sarah and Abraham and their prayers for a child and that when Sarah found out she was to bear a son, her response was to laugh. I then recalled a class I once went to while single, given by a priest and he happened to read the scripture verse about Sarah's finding out her pregnancy and I remember him repeating and emphasizing the response, "and Sarah laughed". That has always struck me and stayed with me. And now, I know why. Thinking on it, I think that is exactly the same way I too will respond, hopefully one day again soon. Laughter at God's greatness and goodness that He would see fit to answer my prayers.

Yesterday, I pulled a book off of the shelf. One I had even forgotten was there. It was a journal for Mom-to-Be that I had while pregnant with Lily. Each day had a scripture verse to pray and it encouraged praying for your child within your womb. I found it peculiar that it would suddenly stick out among the others and I'd be drawn to it. I flipped through it, remembering the days of pregnancy so long ago. And then I came to the scripture verses in the very back of the book and my eyes immediately fell upon this verse from Genesis 21:6:

And Sarah said, "God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me."

It seemed only fitting that I'd run across another verse on the following page, during this Advent when our family has specifically been praying to St. Zachariah and Elizabeth:

Do not be afraid, Zachariah, for your prayer is heard; and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son. Luke 1:13

Fittingly enough, upon returning to my computer in the afternoon, I came upon a blog with a sidebar scripture of the day. Yesterday's was from Job 8:21:

God will let you laugh again; you'll raise the roof with shouts of joy.


I continue to wait in joyful hope this Advent and I know that when I laugh again, you will hear it and join me in the celebration.

Happy Third Week of Advent!

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The Yearning Heart

I'm reminded that even in Advent, my heart aches. This is my MOST FAVORITE time of year, but I still haven't gotten the hang of living through it in complete joy. Five years later, my heart still yearns for the child we were supposed to have the week before Christmas. Our Christmas Child. And secretly since, I have still yearned to bring home a Christmas Blessing one day. A newborn to hold and cuddle in the late hours as the room is only illuminated by the Christmas tree. Yes, perhaps that is a bit too fairy tale and unrealistic, but I still dream it any way.

Instead, I find myself trying desperately to cling to the Child that is brought to us Christmas morning as I long to find the peace of mind and heart that the season should bring.

'Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, O Lord' ~St. Augustine~

Behind These Doors

It's true that we often do not know what lies beneath or what goes on behind closed doors. Every person is fighting some kind of battle or struggling in some way. How often we pass them by without even a glance. We assume that all is well and each person is thriving, until we hear differently.

The same goes on here, in the land of Blogville. So easy is it to encourage another, praise them in their achievements and pray for them in their trials. But most often, it's much easier to portray a picture-perfect lifestyle and life free of pain and struggle. When I read the heart-felt, honest posts of another blogging wife and mom, my heart goes out to them. I know how very difficult it is to be brutally honest, even if you are virtual 'strangers' on the other side of a computer screen. It's difficult to do since, well then I'd have to admit after all that I am not perfect, have the perfect family nor lead a completely perfect life. It's easy enough to fill in my posts with the beauty of it all and a chuckle or two, but it's the hurting, honest ones that are tricky.

If you've read here for any length of time, you know that occasionally those heart wrenching posts do show up and most often they center around the same theme:my infertility. I do not write them for pity or even for you to acknowledge my pain, but I write them so that you see what the face of infertility looks like. And today, I am reminded that it looks like me. Perhaps it does serve as more of an outlet for me to share what I cannot even verbalize if we were to meet face to face. Most often infertility wears a mask and it's one of smiles and sunshine, while hiding the deep pain that we carry around in our aching hearts.

Had I ever had the chance to choose my cross, this would not have been the one I would've chosen for myself. But then, would any of use choose pain for ourselves if it did not help us to gain eternity in heaven? Fertility is a gift and I made an assumption that if you had it when you were twenty, you'd have it until you were forty. Today I am reminded that I do not have that gift fully within my grasp every month and pregnancy may never come to me with ease again. And I have to learn to be okay with that. One day. Probably not today.

I spent a lot of time in the early hours of this morning contemplating again an unknown future and unknown fertility. After dealing with the infertility for over three years, you'd probably think that with each cycle it gets easier or that you just press on toward the next. And most often, your logical mind prepares you and makes you do these. But then there are cycles where I just can't help but hope a little more than usual, being aware of every ache, sickness and symptom that leans toward feeling like pregnancy. With each day I pray to make it through 'just one more day' to get me further along in my cycle to indicate that we had finally achieved a positive.

All of that comes to a halt when there is evidence to the contrary. I cannot help but try and guard my heart and my head in order to keep me from despair. I am raw with heartache and feel as though I dare not even go beyond the surface of my emotions, so afraid of the complete grief that will consume me. But I rest today knowing that tomorrow comes with new grace, new hope. I also rest today because in those early morning hours, my husband felt my pain and sadness and consoled me by praying a rosary for healing and comfort for me as I wept. He also knew that today I needed him and to rest from the daily duties of being mommy and he stayed home from work. Such a wonderful man he is, that one.

Yesterday, words from a song that I learned as a teen suddenly rang in my ears:

They that wait upon the Lord
shall renew their strength.
They shall mount up with wings
as eagles.
They shall run and not grow weary,
they shall walk and not faint.
Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord,
to wait.

And today I understand why I was being reassured with those words. I will continue to wait. I will continue to hope. I cannot help but eagerly anticipate what may be just around the next corner waiting for me.

Hi Lo: September 11th

HI's:


1) Last Friday I had another consult appointment with my long distance physician who has been giving me most of my 'doctor's orders' regarding the infertility issue. Although we have not reached our goal (pregnancy, if you haven't been following along), my progesterone and estradiol numbers were significantly higher. Those are good signs that at least the HCG shots I've been getting these last few months are definitely paying off. I'll continue receiving those in order to keep those levels where they should be.

2) Being that we took the two hour drive to my doctor as a family, we made a couple of stops along the way home for a fun time for the kids. It allowed for extra family time during the last week of summer vacation. Woo-hoo!

3) We're back in school! The first week is going well and we're all enjoying it. Major accomplishment since a certain little girl in our house was convinced the last few weeks that she didn't really 'need' to go to school and that she knew EVERYTHING already.

4) Reed & I celebrated our 8th anniversary!! Where has the time gone?! I won't lie and say that it will be our most memorable ever, but that's okay. We've got lots more to come! There were a number of things that happened that day, so we didn't go out for supper as planned. Instead, with the short notice I had I was still able to whip up a fantastic, tasty meal for the 4 of us instead and even the kids loved it!

5) My dear friend in Blogville, Mommy Monkey, made an announcement yesterday. She's having a baby!! Go congratulate her here. I'm so excited for her!


LO's:

1) Although I had good results for my hormone levels, my doctor did inform me that PCOS still cannot be completely ruled out as a cause for the infertility issue. I will take a break from my meds. that are supposed to be helping with ovulation and she has put me on another drug, Metformin, that may give me some extra help and it is proven to lend a hand in women with PCOS diagnosis. I'll have a re-check in a few months to see if it helps. We're hoping that things will continue to make a change and that it will all lead in future pregnancy.

2) I lost three pounds. Yes, normally this would be a High if I was any other normal woman. Since I feel like I am already at an adequate weight and I wasn't doing anything in particular to lose the weight, it isn't necessarily the best thing for me since we are TTC. I'm hoping I don't have any more significant weight loss since I am already much thinner than I was prior to having my children.



How was your week? I hope it was a good one!

What were your Highs and Lows?

Of All That Defines

It's a blog carnival at Jennifer's Conversion Diary this week and when I read Mommy Monkey's post, I knew I had to join in. Jennifer is asking what our "defining post" is that captures the spirit of our blog.

I was almost sure I could fine the exact one and I think I did. If you follow me here, you know that I often share tidbits of everything and about my children. You also know that this blog was started through the journey of secondary infertility and although that is not what it is ALL about as it was in the beginning, it still defines a certain portion of this blog. You also know that my blog name was not chosen by accident. So, I chose the post Hope & Faith written this spring as my "defining post" to share with you.

Hi Lo: August 28th

HI's:

1) I started painting my kitchen & dining room this week. I'm hoping to get it all finished up before school starts in a little over a week. I'm *loving* how it's turned out so far! I'll be posting photos when I'm all finished.

2) Jamie welcomed her sweet baby girl this week. I'm hoping that I can see her sometime soon. Congrats again, Jamie and hubby!

3) I heard wonderful news from a dear friend that she is expecting! She's just 7 weeks and has had a few issues of concern already, so please keep her in your prayers and for a healthy pregnancy and baby.

4) Stacey is out of retirement and back in Blogville! Welcome back Stacey! I always hold Stacey dear since she is the reason I started blogging. We were old acquaintances and a couple of years ago I came upon her blog and it was the first one I ever read. After a long time of following her, I started finding other encouraging blogs and eventually started my own. I'm seriously indebted to Stacey for all of the enlightenment and opening me up to the world of blogging!

5) My FAVORITE Christian recording artist released a new album, 'Come Alive'!(Yes, this really makes it in my Highs for the week. Is that pathetic??) Mark Schultz is my ultimate favorite artist and Reed's as well. His music has been an inspiration to me for many years, way back to his first album I bought when I was single! There are so many of his songs that touch my heart and have comforted me in some very tough days. We've been to several of his concerts and are excited to attend another one in November as part of his 'Come Alive' tour with Point of Grace. Can't wait!


LO's:

1) It doesn't look like I'm going to finish my Mother's Rule of Life book before school starts. I was hoping to in an effort to have some better guidelines before putting together my daily schedule. Oh well, I'll figure something out.

2) I had some time this week to do some pondering and it brought up some very raw emotion with my infertility situation. And perhaps a not-so-startling revelation, but one that I probably just hadn't identified until the other day. There's a post in there somewhere, but I don't have it ready just yet.



How was your week? What were your Highs and Lows this week?

Hi Lo: July 3rd

HI's:

1) I was able to spend time with my extended family on Sunday as we celebrated my grandparents 65th anniversary. Good food and conversation, always a hit!

2) The local strawberry patch opened on Tuesday evening and we were one of the first customers to arrive. I've already canned several pints of strawberry-rhubarb jam, eaten lots of fresh berries and have plans for a pie this weekend. Oh I love my strawberries! It was so much fun to go pick the berries as a family this year too! Lily was a great picker and Jonah started off picking, but eventually just starting eating them instead. That's my boy.

3) I had a consult visit with a local NFP-only physician and he's on board with my treatment plan from my current physician (Dr. K who is two hours away) and will help in any way he can. This will be especially handy since there are several things that may lead me to need accurate, timely care and the twenty minute drive would be more convenient than the two hour one. (This physician is also a Dr. K, so I've got a female Dr. K and a male Dr. K now!!)

4) I won something! I NEVER win anything. I won Making Music Praying Twice from Margaret. I received the Easter-Pentecost CD the other day and have only had the chance to listen to a couple of songs, but I'm intrigued with the whole program. Worth looking into. (If you'd like to request a FREE CD, click here)


LO's:

1) The weather has been cooler here and the winds have geared up again. Unfortunately, I think this is leading to some possible allergy issues for Miss Lily. Nothing too awful yet, but sneezing, runny nose and a swollen eye on Wednesday.


How was your week? What were your family's High's and Low's?

Have a wonderful weekend! Happy 4th of July!

Praising In The Storm

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day,
But once again, I say 'amen' and it's still raining.
And as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
'I am with you'.
And as your mercy falls, I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm and
I will lift my hands for you are Who you are,
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand,
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.

~'Praise You In this Storm' by Casting Crowns ~


That song has been replaying in my head daily for weeks. I'd even written a post in my mind about it.

But then yesterday happened and it was revealed to me why this song has become my battlecry. Why it brings tears to my eyes almost every time I listen to it. And even now as I type. Today, I am being honest and posting while I am still in the midst of it all.

I am tired. I am worn. I am emotionally exhausted. I am sad and tearful.

I know that my hopeful heart will once again rise above this and press on, but since yesterday afternoon I have barely mustered the strength to hold on to a shred of hope.

It wasn't that I was hanging all of my hope on a doctor's appointment I had yesterday. It was just that after my latest consult with my physician and her suggestions for further care/treatment, it seemed so easy and it all made sense. It looked like I would be turning a corner toward answers and treatment that would help with my infertility. And then yesterday I saw an ob/gyn (as suggested by my physician) and she found that the issue that was the concern wasn't a problem at all. She did a quick ultrasound and found everything to be 'normal' and without question. She then told me that I indeed did not have 'infertility', but instead 'sub-fertility' (and no, I still haven't looked that one up on the Internet). I am sub-fertile because I have had children before without problem and for some reason right now, I am just having a pause in my fertility. Yes, that should have made me feel better and it did for a minute. Until my head went reeling with questions wondering when my fertility would return after its 'short' vacation. This physician felt that perhaps a drug that I have not yet tried, would help in my circumstance. And it may, except that it needs to be taken day 3-7 in my cycle and yesterday was too late.

No, it wasn't the worst appointment ever, but it was disappointing. I was ready to face the procedure that seemed necessary and the drugs too as of yesterday morning and in an instant suddenly none of those were needed.

Back to a new approach. Back to another phone call with my physician. Back to waiting.

As I drove home from that appointment alone, I couldn't help but feel broken as tears filled my eyes and questions filled my head.

And I think I felt my heart break just a little more.

Then, these words from the song playing on Christian radio at that moment came blasting through: 'He's not finished with me yet'.

No, He certainly is not. This is not the journey I would've chosen. This is not the cross I would have chosen to bear. But He, in His divine plan has chosen it for me and will guide me through it. He's not finished with me yet. He's still working with me. He will not leave me or forsake me. He has never left my side. There's still work to be done.

While He and I are working all of this out, could you please send a few prayers my way? I think I'm gonna still need them.

Anointed (and hopefully fruitful again)

My womb that is.

I finally did it. I finally got the much coveted 'Womb Blessing' Jamie has mentioned to me several times. If you are not familiar with it, read more here from Jamie and be inspired. And again, Miss Jamie, thanks for the nudge!

If you are like us and struggling to conceive or plagued with an infertility diagnosis, you may seriously want to consider receiving this blessing. Or perhaps, do as Jamie did to me and merely suggest it as a powerful tool of intercession.

This afternoon and evening my family was blessed to have two of our favorite priests over for a visit. It was much overdue and we were really excited for it. You must know that these two particular priests we are already much indebted to, since it was through them that Reed and I were introduced and met. And, well, you can figure out the rest.

Any way, we had so much fun visiting, conversing, eating and laughing with these two dear friends today. It really did my heart good to be in their presence laughing together again. It has been much too long. Our visits are always bittersweet since they remind me fondly of the days when I used to work at their parishes in youth ministry. Oh the good laughs we had! Every time we get together again it is a reminder of God's providence and His plan as I clearly see how everything comes together for good and comes 'full circle'.

Finally, after a spring evening walk with them and our little family, the one priest had to be leaving. Darn it! Missed opportunity. But alas, God's generosity and grace would not be outdone before this evening was through. I finally sputtered out the words and carefully opened my heart and was vulnerable and shared the truth as I know it. Conception has not happened for three years. Unexplained Infertility diagnosis. They can't figure out what the problem is. I'd like to ask you for a Womb Blessing.

There it was. I had said it. And really, it didn't hurt to admit that as much as I thought it might. (Have I mentioned how alone and sad this road can be?) And then I looked him in the eyes and saw eyes of compassion and I saw Christ as our dear friend gratefully accepted our request, went to his vehicle to get his holy oil and called my children to my side in prayer. Sweet rejoicing in my heart and tears stinging my eyes. I sat there as words of comfort and blessing and anointing freely flowed ever so gracefully from his mouth. And then, we prayed with dear hubby and blessed and anointed him as well. He gave our family a blessing together and prayed that our home would be filled with more children that we would faithfully raise and teach. He promised that his Mass he offers tomorrow will be for our intention and that his rosary on his drive home would be as well.

Dear friends, tonight I am at peace and filled with renewed hope. It's not that I think this blessing is a 'magic' prayer, but I am a faithful woman who believes in miracles and so desperately hopes for one.

Sweet honey to fill my soul, indeed.

May I be filled with fruitfulness once again one day very soon.

St. Gerard, pray for us!

Timing Is Everything

In another chance for God to teach me that He indeed is in control and it's all about His timing and plan, He again came through loud and clear.

Around a month ago, Reed and I were once again re-evaluating where we are going on our infertility journey and what the next step (if there were one at all) we should take. This is always a struggle that involves a fair amount of conversation as we try to prayerfully decide whether to continue with whatever course of treatment we are currently in or to pursue other possibilities. It has not helped that although we've had the chance to work with a few very considerate and kind doctors (not to mention the few that we ditched as fast as we could!), we've struggled most of this time charting our own course alone. Most of the research and follow up we have done has been through advice given from family or friends and what we've ventured to find on our own. Our desires for truly Catholic and morally sound physicians have been largely unfulfilled.

Proving His timing, I randomly recalled last month a physician who I heard a number of accounts of back in my single days and who I knew was located somewhere at a clinic a good two hours away. God showed me His providence within the week as I was introduced to a new blogger who had found me (or did I find her? I can't even remember). In reading Mommy Monkey's blog a number of things struck me and led me to email her a few questions. From what I had read it sounded like she too had children, but that had her own struggles with infertility symptoms/diagnosis. Upon hearing back from her, I found that she did indeed have PCOS issues and that she had found a wonderful, Catholic physician, Dr. Mary. After putting many pieces of the puzzle together, I ventured to inquire if her Dr. Mary was indeed the Dr. Mary P. that I had heard of years ago. Come to find, Mommy Monkey was also a Minnesota Mom blogger and her Dr. Mary WAS the physician whose name had popped into my head the prior week.

From there, I was not only blessed with encouragement and support, but also with vast knowledge about this wonderful Christian/Catholic clinic that perhaps could help me out. I knew that even if I could get an appointment with a physician at this clinic and they gave me no new diagnosis or no new answers, I would be grateful to be in the presence of morally sound physicians. A breath of fresh air.

I was blessed enough to call the clinic last Monday and get an appointment for Thursday! It was a distance to drive a little over two hours, but I knew it would be worth it. Might I say, it was. The atmosphere as I entered the building filled me with peace and prayerfulness. Again, I realized that I wasn't here for a perfect diagnosis, but for support and possibilities for treatment and affirmations that we'd been doing the right thing all along as we walked alone. My feelings of peace were confirmed as I turned and saw each wall revealing very Catholic images (Mother Teresa and Pope John Paul II to name a few). Oh how sweet it was!

For now, I don't have a new diagnosis, but a number of things revealed to the physician possible issues with ovulation and progesterone which could lead to problems in my NFP charting and therefore lead to inaccurate timing on our part. I'll be undergoing a bunch of lab work and an ultrasound yet before there's more conclusive answers, but the physician also gave me a list of other options that we may give a try before ultimately referring me to Pope Paul VI Institute for further treatment.

Timing is everything and in time we'll see where it leads us.

In seeing God's hand in all things, I shouldn't have been surprised when I read Friday's Psalm:

Wait for the Lord, take courage;
be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:14


We will continue to wait on the Lord and His answers and in time, all will be revealed! In the meantime, I'm thankful for the perfect timing of Mommy Monkey's appearance in my life. After all, a burden shared is definitely a burden halved. Thank you MM!

If Only It Were That Easy..

(After spending the day at my friend's home who has three children under the age of 3)

Little Girl: How old is (friend)?

Mommy: She's 31.

Little Girl: Oh. It must be because she's older than you that she has more children.

Mommy: Or it's because she's more fertile.

Little Girl: Okay...What does that mean?

Mommy: She maybe has an easier time getting pregnant and can have her kids closer together.

Little Girl: Maybe it's because she knows how to get pregnant by herself. Or maybe she just knows how to do it better than you do.

Mommy: Maybe it's because God wants me to be happy loving just Lily & Jonah right now. Sometimes we have to wait for God to answer our prayers in His time.

Little Girl: Why? I can't wait until I have a sister.

Mommy: And I can't wait to give you one.

Little Girl: Well, I want one today. or tomorrow. or maybe next week.

Mommy: So do I my dear. So do I.



Of course, this was a very serious conversation and it was important to Lily. Reed and I couldn't help but get a little chuckle out of this one last night at the dinner table. If things were always as simple as our children perceive them to be.....

Hope & Faith

From the title of this blog you could probably tell that Hope has become somewhat of a theme in my life, especially in the last few years. In the last week or so it has become evident that it once again is taking a dominant role in surfacing in A LOT of places. A number of books and articles recently have mentioned the virtue and drawn me into deeper reflection. Did you notice I even changed my header here to incorporate it?

Perhaps it's the springtime feeling of new life and new hope or perhaps, as my dear husband put it in an email to a priest friend (no, REALLY to a PRIEST!!) who asked how I was doing, 'She's doing pretty good right now. There's certain times of the month when hope springs eternal'. Excuse me again for the TMI, but yes, this is true. Depending on my hormonal fluctuations and what did or didn't happen at certain times in a month, definitely either dampens my spirit of hopefulness or encourages it! Nonetheless, I've been renewed with Hope!

I was re-reading in My Way of Life the other day and found the section regarding Hope. It talked about happiness of heart, faith and hope. Truly, no accident that my blog title is what it is! I was struck by the part that mentioned the importance of both faith and hope and how they correspond to one another:

Faith is the beginning of happiness in the mind. Because faith proposes to man the possibility of attaining the vision of God, it gives man the beginning of happiness in his heart. Faith then lays the foundation of hope in the heart of man. it is obvious that faith precedes hope. It is faith which tells man that God is ready to assist him to attain true happiness. In this way it is faith which opens the door for hope in the human heart. Faith makes us cling to God as the source of knowledge. Hope makes us cling to God as the source of our happiness, the goodness and power from which we hope to receive happiness.

How true this is! One thing that I have maintained as we've journeyed through our secondary infertility diagnosis is that I have tried to remain full of hope and I have trusted in my faith to help me and guide me. I have mentioned numerous times that I didn't know what I would have done had I not had BOTH of these! Truly, my faith has opened the door for hope in my heart.

Recently as I was contemplating the gift of faith and faithfulness, I recalled a homily once spoken while I was single and searching deeply for God's revelation of my vocation in life. I was filled with despair and anxiety as I felt that God's voice in my life had barely become audible any more. The priest spoke of faithfulness to Christ and His call in our lives. I only remember the line he spoke frequently through that homily: Sometimes faithfulness feels a lot like unfaithfulness. As I recalled this last week, I felt how true that is. My faithfulness and determination to follow Christ and the Catholic Church's teachings has sometimes indeed felt like unfaithfulness when I have felt that I have not been rewarded. I have felt like I have tried my hardest and done all that I could do to be faithful and yet felt grief, despair and anxiety as I wallowed in a feeling of unfaithfulness.

But it is our faith that truly opens our heart to hope. We cling to God as our true source of happiness and fulfillment. Faith really does lay the foundation in our heart. How blessed are we to have faith and fulfillment in our heart in order to bring about true hope!

Hope continues to reign in my heart and in abundance these days. Is it any wonder that this morning, hubby mentioned the short Lenten reflection he had just read? It talked about the patience of Abraham and Sarah. Ok, this is relevant for a number of reasons, but the obvious would be that my name is Sarah and we too are waiting for a child! The reflection talked about how when we are waiting for something we wait with eager expectation and anticipation. When we have to wait for something we really want that it can become distressing, especially if we are uncertain if or when it will happen. We grow restless, anxious and doubtful, or feel trapped and impatient. How true that has been! Truth is, waiting on the Lord isn't supposed to be an exercise in frustration: it's an opportunity to exercise our faith! Did you see that? It mentioned FAITH. Waiting for God's answer and His timing is enhancing our faith and therefore our hopeful hearts! What a blessing that waiting on the Lord is supposed to be, but do I always see it that way? Not hardly. Patient waiting is tough don't you know.

Can you tell that HOPE has been like a resounding gong in my head lately? As if that is not enough, I've been getting reacquainted with Our Lady of Hope (sometimes referred to as Our Lady of Pontmain). Have you heard of her?

Our Lady appeared in the French village of Pontmain in 1871. She revealed herself as the "Madonna of the Crucifix" and gave the world her message of "Hope through Prayer and the Cross." The basilica built at Pontmain by the Oblates of Mary Immaculate is one of the great French pilgrimage places, noted for its miracles of grace. The Oblate Fathers introduced the devotion to America in 1952.

I received a prayer pamphlet to Our Lady of Hope ironically at the Women's Conference I attended in January. I had heard about her a number of years ago, but had kind of forgotten about her. You can find novena prayers to her at EWTN's site here.

Hope and Faith. Truly two helpful virtues on our journey through life. God bless my hopeful heart!

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
~ Hebrews 11:1~




Our Lady of Hope, Pray For Us!

The Week Of Babies

Last week was a bit of a tough week. It was definitely the week of pregnancy announcements. I know that I am surrounded by family and friends who are in their 'fertile years', however, last week held some type of record in my book. From Friday to Friday, I found out about FIVE pregnancies!! Not kidding. Ok, so one of them was my dentist, but still it counts. The other four were two friends and two family members. Am I the only person who thinks this is not normal? Oh, and all of this in the midst of my own cycle again starting and realizing that another month has passed without conceiving(Excuse me for the TMI!). Rough week, indeed.

It was interesting that two of the pregnancies, the family members, I found out via Facebook. The first, my cousin's wife, is past her first trimester and they had just told family and then she shared it with the rest of us via Facebook. The second, a cousin, also posted some odd status on her Facebook account and from that I concluded that she was expecting and according to my calculations she's maybe 5 weeks along. And then, I found out that she had only found out the day before and then posted it FOR ALL TO SEE on Facebook the following day. I found that a bit, well, peculiar. Not exactly how I plan on making my announcement again one day. If I do announce via a social network, it will probably be after my first trimester and when I've personally told close family members. Ok, and I'll probably figure out a cute way to post it here too!!

Any way, this baby frenzy leaves a woman like me a bit traumatized and speechless. Trust me, lots of praying done on my end last week. I leaned hard on the Blessed Mother last week and my husband too. It's a week like that one, that can get a girl down. After each announcement from another blessed woman declaring her pregnancy, I rallied and I prayed. No tears were shed, but sadness and loneliness filled my heart. I will admit to you, there were many times that words of anger filled my mind and flowed from my mouth.

Please understand that these are not words of bitterness any longer as they may have been in the first year or two of this infertility journey, they were mostly words that cried out longing for when it would be my turn again. Not that these other women don't deserve it or that I am not happy for them, but I have patiently waited. I am saddened when 'my turn' again gets passed by and another month again passes. And then I hear of these other couples who 'are trying to have a baby' and within a few short months they share the news of a pregnancy.

I write this not for sympathy, but more for understanding. It's been awhile since I've posted on my infertility and there's been a post brewing in my heart, but I haven't figured out in my head just yet how it will be written. Last week's announcements left my heart a bit raw and I wanted to share it with you. This shall pass, I know it will. God will continue to lead and direct my path, wherever it may take me in the way of bringing more children into our home. Some days are a bit harder than others when pregnant bellies swarm in and surround me. Faithfulness to Christ and to the Church's teachings are tough to follow when my heart is aching and yearning for another child, but we will continue to be faithful and I know in the end that we will be richly rewarded. This week will be a better one and who knows what will come from this cycle. I continue to live in the present and embrace the grace that God gives me each and every day to fulfill my vocation as wife and mother faithfully.

Persistent Prayer

As we've been trying to conceive another child for over 2 1/2 years and dealing with the diagnosis of 'unexplained infertility' for over a year, we've been rather silent about the matter with our children, especially our 6 year old daughter. She is wise beyond her years, that one. Instead, we have always taken the approach that so far it hasn't been the right time yet to add to our family and that God isn't ready just yet to bring another baby in our home. When she started mentioning it probably over 1 1/2 years ago, we told her that she could pray along with us for our family to be blessed with more children and brothers and sisters for her and her brother. Her prayer then gradually became a daily addition to our mealtime prayers and she's hardly missed a day all this time!

Her prayer originally went like this: "Please give me one more sister and two more brothers". I always asked why she wanted more brothers and she always replied that she only needed one sister!

In the past couple months though, the prayer has taken a different tone and goes like this: " Pray for mommy to have four more sisters and four more brothers". When the prayer took this sudden change, I asked her why the number had increased and she replied, "because I have four girl names I really like and four boy names". I then asked what those names were, "for the girls it's Susan, Lucy, Grace & Julia. For the boys it's Caspian, Edmund, Peter & Rilian". Does anyone see the theme here? Have you seen the Chronicles of Narnia movies? Even the older version we found that includes Prince Rilian? These names and the prayer additions came right around the time that she was introduced to the Narnia movies. And so, the desire for more siblings was born!

I had to laugh a couple weeks ago when I had a realization during her prayer and heard it in a totally different way. Look at the words. No wonder it isn't working! She's praying for ME to have more brothers and sisters. That means for MY parents to have more children! This was even more funny the other week when she prayed her prayer and my parents were seated at the table. They made the same realization and looked at each other across the table and kind of chuckled. They admitted later that I won't be getting any more siblings. They are in their mid-late 50's!

I think Lily was even second-guessing her prayers one day, since she came to me and asked how many children four more brothers, four more sisters and she and her brother totaled. When I told her 10, she had a look of astonishment, but then admitted that it was a lot, but still not too many.

I have been inspired by my litle girl's child-like faith, especially at times when my hopeful heart is weighted down by my diagnosis and lack of answers. Like her, we keep on praying. Like me, she keeps on hoping. But some days, even the two of us can't help but be disappointed. The other day as I told her excitedly about two friends I had just found out were pregnant and having babies, I think I saw her heart break a little. I think mine did too. Together, we await the arrival of other mommy's babies and celebrate with them, but I know we both are waiting for when it will be our turn. She doesn't have to say it any more, I can see it.

Persistent, Consistent prayer and Child-Like Faith will help us through this.

Quick Take Friday

1. I recently saw an ad for Shape Up Shoes in a parenting magazine. The ad cites that they are ideal for us moms who are busy (which is ALL of us) and don’t have time to spend exercising. They also claim that in wearing them 30 minutes a day we can lift buns, tone legs, and strengthen your core. Ok, they got me. I’m in relatively good shape, but would LOVE to have the stronger core muscles and the toned legs. Not so worried about the buns, I must confess. And yet, I am skeptical and very intrigued by this product. I read the testimonials on their website and it seems that there are some happy costumers out there. I am still quite interested…so, the torn out ad from the magazine still sits on my counter by the computer.

Why can’t I decide if these ‘revolutionary’ shoes are for me? I think one reason is the cost. Not that they are expensive, but I always debate on anything I buy for myself and rarely rush into a purchase. The other reason may have to do with deciding whether I really am a busy enough mom to qualify for them. I usually do have time to exercise and try to set aside time throughout the week to do it. However, on the other hand, the shoes are also supposed to help with circulation, which would be great for me considering how many hours I am on my feet each day. Hmm…I’ve got to think more on these..Will I be able to justify the purchase??

2. I have a confession to make. I just realized yesterday that I have become a library junkie! Hey, not that that’s a bad thing. No, really though, I’ve loved reading and books since a young age and I am so happy to have children and be able to nurture them through literature. We always continue to add to our home library and we used to make occasional trips to the local library, but in the last 1 ½-2 years the trips are more frequent. Now I am realizing that any chance we get, I like to drop in and pick up some books. Although we don’t live in a town big enough to provide a local library, we have three towns within 20 minutes of us that do. And boy, do we use them! I am glad to be an at-home, homeschooling mom who can take my kids to the library at any time of day and enjoy wandering down the aisles and looking in the bins of books to pick out the new adventures that await us. The kids enjoy making their choices and adding them to our growing stack to take home. I enjoy enlightening my children’s minds and teaching them a love for books and for reading. Now, if only there were a Starbuck’s inside the local libraries like there is at Barnes & Noble.


3. I am happy to announce….Gotcha! See, you thought I was going to announce something really exciting. Ok, sorry. No, I am happy to announce that I am at peace. In a groove. Settled. Content. Whatever you want to call it, I am there. It’s hard to explain, but for me it’s a very good thing. Not that I was not before, but you know how it is when things just seem to be all in line. Ducks in a row. Rainbows and sunshine. Dare I say, perfect? I know, not really, but as close as we can get it here on earth.

This week I am feeling a sense of calm and peace from just about every angle and in every area that has given me struggle and hardship: infertility, discipline, motherhood, etc. I am choosing to embrace my vocation of motherhood more fully and a spirit of patience and gentleness. I am working on nutritional aspects of my health to hopefully help with my infertility issue. In doing even these little things, I am finding my heart and my spirit at peace. This is SO important as I take care of my little domestic church and I realize that. Is every issue completely resolved? Not hardly. But I know that I am trying and I am doing what I can for today. I cannot even begin to express the shadow that infertility can cast on so many areas of your life when you are in it. The darkness and sadness can some days be overwhelming and can cover all of the joy and happiness of life and things going on around you. I have learned though that it cannot defeat me. I have remained strong in prayer and in the truth of faith and in the hope that God will provide me with the grace and strength I need to get through this. The weight is enormous at times, but a week that’s been as good as this, helps me remain faithful to my hopeful heart.

That said, why do I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop? For things to go sour? Human nature I guess. Or is it pride before the fall?? Yikes. Hope not. Stay tuned.


4. Did you realize that the season of lent is upon us? Probably. Unlike me, who last week was wondering what all the hubbub was about when it was mentioned everywhere in the Catholic circuit. And then I looked in our parish bulletin last Sunday and realized it’s next week. Where was I? I think I was somewhere in the thought that it’s a few weeks away and I have lots of time yet to dwell on what we’ll be doing for out Lenten journey. Oops. Guess not. So, I was glad when I found this Lenten Adventure to sign up for and they will send me emails throughout the season to help me along. Check it out and sign up for their FREE emails!

5. I am so excited when I open my email Inbox and see that I have comments from my blog!! I know, a little silly. I can’t tell you how I enjoy getting a comment from someone new, so I return the favor and find out about them and checkout their blog. And then there are the faithful friends that I’ve suddenly made from miles apart. What blessings! Let me say, I am amazed to have found so many faithful women and moms. Each day I am honored and graced with reading the words of some blessed women. Each writes from the heart and inspires me in my daily walk in the Catholic faith and in motherhood. I have begun to blog WAY more than I used to and I look forward to it. Not that I have so much to say or do it with eloquence, but I have always loved to write and I enjoy sharing the little bit I do with others. And yes, I’ve probably become a blogging junkie now too!!

6. My little Jonah, has at times been the thorn in my side. Bless that little boy, but he is a tough one. Perhaps he’s been this way all his life, but most evidently so in the last couple years in toddler hood. He is strong-willed, determined, and stubborn. Whatever you want to call it. But it wears on this dear mommy daily, so I have changed my approach especially in the morning.

I enjoy having my routine and getting myself all ready to greet the day, including my prayer time, before little ones wake up. When little boy arrives early in the morning and I haven’t done those things, it makes for a rough start to the day. Add that to the fact that little boy is not a morning person and it’s a recipe for a bad morning. Literally, he wakes up crabby. Most mornings he comes out of his room and within minutes (and some days even seconds!) he is grouching about in our home. I think he’s really still tired and shouldn't’t even be out of bed. (It is usually well before 7:00 am when his little feet come pattering down the hall)

I’ve decided to approach it differently these days and just leave him alone until he’s ready. I don’t push him to eat breakfast right away and some days I even allow him to watch cartoons for a while before breakfast so that he can be alone until he’s ready. It may not be the best solution, but so much happier in the morning. The days go a little better, but not without stubborn fits and determination from that little boy. We’ll get through it. With a little love and discipline. A friend recently said of her boys, “they’re either going to drive me to the grave or help me work off my purgatory time here on earth”. Oh, how true.

7. Last Friday, Reed and I were able to spend our special day together and celebrate Valentine’s a day early too. We did not go to the movie and dinner as we had planned, but instead spent the afternoon just the two of us together and ended with dinner out. We had a wonderful time just being together and most importantly, engaging in uninterrupted conversation. We enjoyed a nice, early dinner and we were home by 6:30 pm. I know, early, but we were ready to get back to the kids. It was good for us to reconnect throughout hubby’s 3 days home for the weekend, since his long hours at work have not allowed that recently. I’m always thankful for time with Reed to rekindle our love..And when he plans it, all the better.



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