How Sweet He Is

Yesterday marked 6 years since the miscarriage of our child, Natalie Noel. We remember this tiny member of our family regularly, but especially on May 14th. Once again, Reed remembered and brought me something home.

Each year the card simply reads:

With Love,
To: Mommy
From: Natalie

And each year I tear up just a bit. As time has gone on the sadness has turned into acceptance, but the memory of that day comes flooding back in an instant. How precious this little child was and is.

Over time I've realized that due to current circumstances and difficulty becoming pregnant, there may come a day that I may walk that road again. I may lose again, but that cannot keep me from hoping and trying to bring more little ones into this world. Trust me, it's taken me a long time to face this reality and I'm going to do whatever I can to prepare a safe and healthy place for more little ones. But ultimately, only God knows how many little angels I will help bring into heaven.

The Yearning Heart

I'm reminded that even in Advent, my heart aches. This is my MOST FAVORITE time of year, but I still haven't gotten the hang of living through it in complete joy. Five years later, my heart still yearns for the child we were supposed to have the week before Christmas. Our Christmas Child. And secretly since, I have still yearned to bring home a Christmas Blessing one day. A newborn to hold and cuddle in the late hours as the room is only illuminated by the Christmas tree. Yes, perhaps that is a bit too fairy tale and unrealistic, but I still dream it any way.

Instead, I find myself trying desperately to cling to the Child that is brought to us Christmas morning as I long to find the peace of mind and heart that the season should bring.

'Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, O Lord' ~St. Augustine~

In Memory of Our Child

Today marks the 5th anniversary of my miscarriage of our little one. At barely 9 weeks, we didn't know the gender of our sweet baby. Our closest inclination at that early date had been that it was a little girl and we gave her the only name that we had begun to identify with: Natalie Noel. She would have been due a week before Christmas and as we found out, the name Natalie means Christmas Child. It only seemed fitting that our unborn Christmas Child be given this name.

As the years have passed, May 14th is a little easier, as is December 18 which was the due date for our child. The memory of that day though is etched in my mind as much as the feelings of loss ever are. The loss is always a difficult one for me to grieve because had we not lost Natalie, we wouldn't have Jonah. He was conceived just two months after our miscarriage. I couldn't ever trade one child for another, but it reminds me inevitably that one child cannot replace another. Each human being is wonderfully made and a unique design. How awesome is God's plan for creation!

Natalie is still remembered as a part of our family. Sometimes in daily conversation with our kids, each Christmas as we hang her ornament on the tree, each summer as I tend the flower garden in her honor and each day as I pass her Certificate of Life hanging in our family room.

Today marks a day of loss for our family, but also as a gain to the precious little soul that surely awaits us beyond the gates in Heaven. As her mother, I know that she is watching over me and knows how my mother's heart still aches to see her and to hold her. I so often picture her in Mary's sweet embrace with all of the other little children that so many of our family and friends have lost in death and miscarriage. We have quite the group up there in Heaven waiting for us!

I hope to be with my little one one day and find out if she was indeed a Natalie or perhaps a little Nathan instead. But for today, we will find a way to honor her by doing something special for 'Natalie's Day'.




Natalie's Garden: