What Might Have Been (Part I)

In response to this post, I've decided to give you a somewhat brief 'a day in the life of' version of what led me to that place. I write in all honesty, with the brief glimpse of what really goes on behind the picket fence that surrounds my corner of the world. It is not written for pity or out of my own selfish reason to share this information. I want to share in order to give insight to those of you who may not have had to journey the infertility/subfertilty road. I try to refrain from sharing about this topic too often here, but try to give you occasional updates along the way. I hope you understand. Read on only if you want the details.

I have to rewind just a little bit to get started. I did not share with you here that in the first week of Lent I visited my female Dr. K in a consult visit. It was there decided that since nothing has been working or has helped me reach the ultimate end goal, there may be a good reason to look into a diagnosis of endometriosis. That would be best confirmed through a laproscopy. It was also concluded that a referral to Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha would be beneficial for me. My Creighton charting and my medical history over these last few years would be evaluated by Dr. Hilgers and he will hopefully be able to give more insight to a better diagnosis, with probable consideration given to me visiting PPVI for further treatment.

With that, Dr. K decided that while we wait on that whole process it would be fine for me to give Clomid another try, along with my HCG shots I receive four times during the later half of my cycle. At the end of that cycle, around 16 days after probable ovulation, I would get labs done to have my hormonal levels checked if there is positive pregnancy. With that information, we counted out the days and weeks ahead and made a decision that the timing of all of this would lead right up to Easter. And so I began a different type of lenten journey, praying and hoping that with the coming Resurrection I would receive my own Easter miracle.

Fast forward to Holy Week.

Good Friday: I went in to have my blood drawn for my post-ovulation labs. The numbers I received would indicate whether I had a positive pregnancy test. I became a little excited that I had even reached this day, since normally a new cycle would have begun and I would know the testing was negative and I would not have even had to have the labs done in general. I had made it! The possibilities only seemed to get better, if I could just make it a few more days.

We attended Good Friday service in the afternoon and after arriving back home I later received a phone call from my local care physician, male Dr. K. He asked whether my cycle had started yet and then jumped into 'because it looks like you're pregnant'. For a brief instant I had no idea what to do, but then I asked if he was sure because I've been getting the HCG shots and those would make my numbers elevated if there was any left in my system (this is also another reason I cannot take home pregnancy tests-they would give me a false positive due to the HCG shots). He then faltered a little and admitted that he couldn't be completely sure since I'm his first patient receiving the shots and he didn't know exactly what the numbers would look like with HCG thrown in there. He was encouraging though and said to wait it out over the weekend and hopefully nothing would happen and it would lead to a true pregnancy outcome.

I couldn't imagine getting through the weekend without bursting or without becoming too hopeful. I also lived in fear each time I went to the bathroom, afraid to even know whether a new cycle was starting. I wanted to hope so bad. I wanted an Easter miracle.

Holy Saturday: No signs of a new cycle. I had made it through the night. I kept myself busy, but in all of that I couldn't help thinking. I couldn't help praying that I just may be carrying a new child. Oh the possibilities! Oh the happiness it would bring! My heart could not help but be at least slightly optimistic and making plans for the future. I made it through the day.

Easter: Another night passed and I had made it to Easter morning. With the light of a new day, Easter day, all things seemed possible. I must be pregnant. I felt awful. I awoke early in the morning not feeling well. My sleep had been irregular for over a week. We went to Mass that morning and I didn't know if I would make it through. I was having heat waves, nausea and weak feelings. This had to mean something. We celebrated the day with family and I moved through the day keeping busy. I had almost made it through the weekend and tomorrow I had a scheduled appointment with my female Dr. K, two hours away. This was good. All would be revealed tomorrow. My heart began to drift millions of miles away in the distant future...baby's due date, baby names, who I would tell the news, how I would tell the news, how we would tell our children. All seemed hopeful.


To Be Continued tomorrow....