and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day,
But once again, I say 'amen' and it's still raining.
And as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
'I am with you'.
And as your mercy falls, I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives
and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm and
I will lift my hands for you are Who you are,
no matter where I am.
And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand,
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.
~'Praise You In this Storm' by Casting Crowns ~
That song has been replaying in my head daily for weeks. I'd even written a post in my mind about it.
But then yesterday happened and it was revealed to me why this song has become my battlecry. Why it brings tears to my eyes almost every time I listen to it. And even now as I type. Today, I am being honest and posting while I am still in the midst of it all.
I am tired. I am worn. I am emotionally exhausted. I am sad and tearful.
I know that my hopeful heart will once again rise above this and press on, but since yesterday afternoon I have barely mustered the strength to hold on to a shred of hope.
It wasn't that I was hanging all of my hope on a doctor's appointment I had yesterday. It was just that after my latest consult with my physician and her suggestions for further care/treatment, it seemed so easy and it all made sense. It looked like I would be turning a corner toward answers and treatment that would help with my infertility. And then yesterday I saw an ob/gyn (as suggested by my physician) and she found that the issue that was the concern wasn't a problem at all. She did a quick ultrasound and found everything to be 'normal' and without question. She then told me that I indeed did not have 'infertility', but instead 'sub-fertility' (and no, I still haven't looked that one up on the Internet). I am sub-fertile because I have had children before without problem and for some reason right now, I am just having a pause in my fertility. Yes, that should have made me feel better and it did for a minute. Until my head went reeling with questions wondering when my fertility would return after its 'short' vacation. This physician felt that perhaps a drug that I have not yet tried, would help in my circumstance. And it may, except that it needs to be taken day 3-7 in my cycle and yesterday was too late.
No, it wasn't the worst appointment ever, but it was disappointing. I was ready to face the procedure that seemed necessary and the drugs too as of yesterday morning and in an instant suddenly none of those were needed.
Back to a new approach. Back to another phone call with my physician. Back to waiting.
As I drove home from that appointment alone, I couldn't help but feel broken as tears filled my eyes and questions filled my head.
And I think I felt my heart break just a little more.
Then, these words from the song playing on Christian radio at that moment came blasting through: 'He's not finished with me yet'.
No, He certainly is not. This is not the journey I would've chosen. This is not the cross I would have chosen to bear. But He, in His divine plan has chosen it for me and will guide me through it. He's not finished with me yet. He's still working with me. He will not leave me or forsake me. He has never left my side. There's still work to be done.
While He and I are working all of this out, could you please send a few prayers my way? I think I'm gonna still need them.